help

spot the difference 🤠

you break my heart in a million fucking ways every time. different fucking parts of my heart. and it hurts so fucking bad. but i stay. i just want to be loved. i want to be loved by you. i guess i’m realizing that won’t happen.

i feel like everytime i speak i say the wrong thing. maybe it’s better if i stop. even things i say w the good intention fall flat. it’s like my filter doesn’t work or something, like my brains fucking dense.

i miss feeling loved

05/17/21

over this time span, i was able to visit her in person. things felt nice. i felt hope. and i crushed it again. we got in a bad fight. we’re the worst we have ever been. it’s my fault. my brain is so tired. it’s so tired. i just want it to stop. this is hard. it’s gonna be hard for a long time. i don’t know if i’m strong enough. i wish i wasn’t a fuck up. i wish i was worth loving. i wish i didn’t have to earn her love like this. should we break up? is this it? am i done? i hate myself. i ruined us. i’m under so much stress and pressure. i just wish i wasn’t here anymore. I wish God would take me away.

4/23/2021 1:13

Just got off the phone with her. It felt like I had a girlfriend again for a hot second. I don’t think I appreciated it as much as I should’ve. I was putting up like a protective emotional shield for the day, cause it’s not gonna be like this. It sucks. She would smile and it would make me happy but I suppressed that happiness as much as I could, no matter how much it hurt. I’m hoping it makes things easier to deal with. The bad part is that of course, I can’t enjoy the good moments during this time. I think we got a chance in the long run though. She was saying a bunch of places we are gonna go in a months time so that’s a good sign right? She’s planning a bit more than a month ahead telling me the restaurants we are gonna go to and the foods we’re gonna try.

Maybe this whole thing is a lot more representative of me than her. I think I have a mood disorder.

4/22/2021 11:55

It’s been a week and still nothing from her. Not really. No reassurance really. Words of affirmations are gone. I’m going to be here, she’s my baby I’m not going to leave. But it’s getting lonely. I can tell it’s gonna be lonely for a while (though I hope I’m wrong.) So, even though I’m still going to be whatever she needs (she won’t tell me and she’s constantly shutting me out so it’s hard) I’m going to try to focus on myself and my goals. I love her. But when we’re not good, I destroy myself. It’s hard. I want her love so bad. I’ve tried to give her so much of mine. She hasn’t even said I Love You ya know? A year and a half and she hasn’t. I wish she would let me in more and talk to me, but it doesn’t seem like that’s happening anytime soon. So I’ll be here, and if she lets me know or even gives me a clue of what she needs me to be I’ll be it in a heartbeat. But for now, I’m going to focus on myself: my school and my personal goals. I’m gonna cheer her on and I know she will cheer me on. I wish we could it together but maybe this is what I need. At the end of the day, whether I’m focusing on me or not there is one definite thing: I fucking miss my girlfriend.

i feel like a burden to my favorite person. do you know how terrible that feels? i’m not doing good. just slowly been slipping. she’s obviously not doing good either so i’m trying to keep myself together. it’s hard. i’m starting to self harm more consistently. i never would’ve thought i would start again after 5 years, but here i am. also feeling suicidal. wrote letters. i don’t know if i should tell her though. she has enough going on. and even if i do, she’s just gonna say “i’m sorry bub :(“. what’s wrong with me?

you make me so happy and so sad at the same time.

4/17/21 2:44AM

Man. We started talking again today. It was hard but it felt good. I’m getting my partner back. However of course at this time I had an epiphany. She has made it clear she wouldn’t want to live with her parents or mine and initially I was okay w/ it bc I figured I could get them a place near me or maybe Bryan will be able to take care of them! But I realized if needed, of course I will take them in. They’re my parents. I love them so much. I’m lucky to have them both. The thought of sending them off to a nursing home never even crossed my mind. I had to tell her. It’s not fair. If that’s a deal breaker to her then it is. I can’t chose her over my parents. I’ll be heartbroken but this shit is important. It’s not fair to her if I lied up until that moment was up in the air. We will see where this goes. Right now, I’m not too confident in us. I hope we can make it through this stretch. She my partner. I love her. I want this to work. But sometimes love isn’t enough.

what’s it liked to be loved the way you need to be love? what’s it liked to be fulfilled? what’s it like to experience unconditional love?

i feel like a burden to my favorite person. i am so fucking sad. so far i’ve cried tuesday, wednesday, and thursday night. betting i will tomorrow as well.

4/15/21 5:58 PM

So april is the month of fuck ups huh? Fuck man. On to explaining what happened this time. She hates talking about financial stuff. i normally have to ask before hand “hey can i talk about ____?” bc it makes her feel weird. Recently our school sent out an email talking about their second wave of covid relief for students. Knowing we both qualify but we both didn’t get an email, I got scared. I started talking about it without asking. I thought hey it would be good for me cuz I’m saving for an apartment and good for her to pay rent and treat herself by going to the nicer grocery store. But I fucked up. It made her feel like shit. She wanted space. We didn’t talk the rest of the day. That was on Tuesday (4/13). I was heartbroken. It’s hard for me to accept that I did something wrong but I did. She didn’t talk to me till Wednesday night. She’s distant. She’s not good. I fucked us up. We were doing so good and I think this is the straw that broke the camels back. If I ask for reassurance I get one worded replies. I guess I deserve this. I just wanted to help. I feel so guilty. I wish I never brought up the money. She’s not gonna call me any nicknames for days. She’s going to be cold and distant. Our phone calls are gonna be weird. I don’t know why it made her feel this bad, but it did. And it’s my fault. She needs space. I’m trying to give it. I’m hurting so bad. I picked up self-harm again. I did it last night. I can’t tell her bc she’ll think it’s her fault and she’ll be upset. It’s my fault. I fucked up. I know she needs space but I wish she still reassured me throughout the day. I’m going crazy. This is hell. I just want to be okay. I hate my brain. I’m literally suicidal—mainly bc I hate how I deal w my emotions, they’re always so intense. I hate myself. I don’t understand why she’s with me. I feel like she’s regretting me right now. Another thing that makes me feel like shit is that she’s been really busy lately, so when we’ve been talking it’s bc she’s been finding time for me. She’s not gonna find time for me anymore. I understand. I fucked up. She needs space. It doesn’t hurt any less. It sucks to feel like a burden on your favorite person.